7.15.2017

i wish i could fall in love

Today is the third day of my social media ban (from Twitter and Instagram) and I feel so lonely.  I decided to ban myself from them for 30 days to finish editing my book.  Also because i've become too reliant on them, if that makes sense.  The negativity they can bring effects me, even negativity that has nothing to do with me.  Like celebrity news or reading bad comments, etc.  I absorb everything and my mind loves to fester.  Doing this makes me realize how lonely I am, I wish I had friends or a boyfriend.  Someone.  I don't like talking to my family members because they judge me for everything.

I'm a hermit so meeting people is impossible, I guess I use social media as a way to fill that void.  I've been this way since I was a little kid, a homebody.  In high school I rarely hung with friends outside of school.

I'm been a lonely girl since birth.

I should be use to it and I kind of am but it doesn't make it any less depressing.  I envy people with tons of friends, sometimes I don't even think my own family cares about me.  The sole two best friends I had in high school are engaged.  Most of my Facebook friends are engaged or have kids.  I'm happy for them but it makes me wonder what's wrong with me.  

Why did I have to be so unlucky?

7.10.2017

1 year since I've quit my job

It's been exactly one year since I've quit my call center job and I can't believe time has gone by so quickly.  Feels like only a few months have past.  This is significant to me because that job brought out the worst of my depression and anxiety.  If you read any of my posts from 2015, and some from 2014 you'll probably be able to read how desperate I was to escape.  If I had gotten help it probably wouldn't have escalated as bad as it did but as we all know insurance is incredibly confusing and annoying. đŸ˜©

Since then I've gone through  many changes and experiences and I want to list all that I've accomplished so far.

1. Lost weight 💕 At that job I went from 130 pounds to 153+.  I never worked out, ate like a pig, and didn't care.  After quitting funnily enough what inspired me to lose weight was a Korean model I follow on Instagram.  I've always wanted to lose weight but never tried out of laziness.  Seeing her inspired me.  I wanted to be gorgeous too, and healthy and thin.  So I changed my eating lifestyle, started working out, and now my weight is maintained at 115 pounds.  

The smallest I've ever been in my life. 

6.17.2017

still crazy busy (that's a good thing)

I haven't updated in a while because i've been crazy busy with my book.  It's taking up all my time, that's why I haven't updated here or YouTube.  And when I'm not working on my book I'm thinking about it. 😌  My sleeping pattern is fucked because of it, now I sleep during the day and I'm up at night. 😭  Not just that, I'm going through bouts of depression as per usual.  Haven't been to the doctor in a while.  I'll have to schedule an appointment so this doesn't effect my book editing.  I almost got hit by a bunch of cars the other day and a part of me wanted to be hit so I'm making a doctor's appoint pronto. (And I haven't started that behavioral health program yet.)

I've learned to never ignore those signs.

I want to get back to my YouTube videos but it's hard for me to focus on more than one thing at a time and I feel my book is more important.  I did make a video for my author channel, a writing vlog.  I'll link it below for people who are curious, other than that I've been trying to stay sane and in shape.  I find that ever since I've begun working on my book it exhausts me to the point that I don't want to exercise.  I'm eating right and my weight seems to maintain at around 115 pounds which is great but the thought of not exercising at least 5 days a week scares me.  

I don't want too ever get out of shape again.  

The one year anniversary of me quitting my job is coming up and I can't believe time has gone by so quickly.  Expect a sentimental post (or video) about that.  I'll have to start looking for a job soon 😅(for many reasons) I may do a post on that too.  

Life is busy right now and that's a good thing. 😏