10.25.2017

bad days are okay ❤

It's the middle of my first full work week and it's been a whirlwind.  My shift is very early so I have to go to sleep by 6 or 7 pm (I work in an airport).  Getting use to this hasn't been as hard as it sounds, thanks to melatonin.  For the first week we get free food, free fast food and I'm realizing how detrimental my relationship to food has become ever since I've lost weight.  It's funny I'll eat burgers, fries, or pizza gladly, then feel horrible about it right after and obsess over exercising.  My mind forces me to think I'll somehow gain all the weight I lost back.  

One week of semi bad food is not going to make me gain 50+ pounds but my mind thinks so.  So that's been tough to deal with, also when I get home I've been so tired and will crash (not doing anything productive) so the next morning I wake up extra early, (like at 1 am) to not only edit my book but also exercise.  Adding to that I'm also stressing over some money issues, adapting to work, and other minor things.

It's been exhausting.

10.18.2017

SOCIAL ANXIETY, living with it

I have social anxiety.  

Severe social anxiety and it's taken me years to realize it.  

I knew I had anxiety but I never experienced bad panic attacks or anything like that.  It only dawned on me a few months ago that I have social anxiety.  Since I was a kid I was homebody, I had school friends and usually one best friend.  Even so I never hung out much or went to parties, I never did what "typical" teenagers do.  I flirted but never had a boyfriend.  I was perfectly happy being at home in my room writing stories, reading manga, watching anime, drawing, etc.  My family always called me the "quiet one" even though I was loud when I wanted to be (around them).  I also had extremely low self esteem due to my body and a deformity I was born with.

10.12.2017

life is funny

I've been going through hell, pretty much.  No job, little money, and depressed.  But as of today, I'm happy.  Actually happy, I bet you're wondering.  Why?  How?  I guess you can say I've started to have a newer outlook on life.  Gratitude if that makes sense.  And I've also been listening to some inspiring podcasts which has helped.  

And as of today I'm employed!