9.03.2012

My constant battle with depression [warning slightly graphic]

I've been debating if I should make a post like this, I really hate getting all sappy in my blog posts I really like to stay positive but lately I've been feeling extremely terrible and I just want to let out all this frustration some type of way.  I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and if I did I just don't think they would understand.  So I'm going to vent a little here.

Ever since I was little I've had this battle with depression, in junior high I lived with a careless mom and an older sister who only seemed to only care about herself.  I never got new clothes for school, I was a lot bigger than most of the girls my age, and I just felt ugly.  In middle school I was a complete mess, I tried hard to skip school because I was bullied and I had few friends.  When I became a freshman in high school I had lost a lot of weight and things felt a bit better but I found new ways to cope with my depression and that was cutting.  I would cut myself all over my arms and I didn't think of it as something to kill myself with it was just to cope with my sadness.  The summer after 9th grade I went to my dad's house and one day my little brother had made me angry, so too cope with my anger I cut myself with my dad's box cutter.  I didn't realize how deep I had cut.  It was so deep that  had to get my brother to call my dad who was at work.  My dad rushed home and called the ambulance but we had to meet them half way since my dad lives in the country and the hospital is far out.

When I told them what happened they immediately came to the conclusion that I had tried to kill myself which wasn't the case and I tried to tell them that but they didn't seem to be listening.  I had to stay at this special ward in the hospital with these other screwed up kids and it was an interesting experience.  After this my Dad and Stepmom decided that I should stay with them for the rest of high school and I accepted.  Living with my dad really helped me to get better, I went to to a counselor, I made best friends, joined the cheerleading team, and I was finally happy.  But as soon as college came I feel like everything just suddenly crashed down on top of me again.  

I wasn't able to go to my college of choice so I ended up going to the college my best friend applied to.  I liked the people but overall it wasn't a good experience.  I felt lonely cause the first semester I had no roommate, my best friend immediately got a boyfriend and was spending a lot of time with him, and I got a job which took up a lot of my time.  My schedule was stressful and I can't handle stress very well I think it starts to effect my health.  Then in the middle of the year my grandpa died and this hit me extremely hard because me and my grandpa were very very very close.  Not even a month later my dad's house burned down and this hit me hard as well.  After the year ended I somehow ended up back at my mom's house and things really aren't much better.

I've been trying to do things to improve my life but I feel like nothing is helping.  I lost my job, I won't be able to start school until the winter, and I've developed this bad relationship with my body (which is a whole different topic).  I have no friends where I'm at and I'm just really depressed.  I feel like I'm stuck in this deep black hole and there's no way for me to get out.  I thought about cutting again but I always stop myself from doing it because I feel like I'm stronger than that.  I don't want to go back to how I was in 9th grade.  The only thing that's been making me happy as superficial as it is to say is Gyaru.  It's seriously is the only thing that's been making me feel good about myself.  I love putting on make up, picking out outfits, and looking at magazine scans.

I'm sorry if this post is too personal but I'm really happy I could let out a little bit of frustration.  I've been feeling so sad for a while now and I just want to be happy again.  

Thanks for reading!

6 comments:

  1. It's your blog, girl you share what you want :)
    But depression is a hard thing to deal with and I'm sorry to hear everything you've gone through :( But I really do believe your luck is going to look up soon. You may even find out that this upcoming winter semester will turn out better than you thought! Just need to stay open minded and try not to think negatively dear :) Really all you can do is stay positive

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry you're going through such hard times. The fact that you have just one thing that you enjoy is such a good thing! Hold on to that. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple of years ago and I have horrible scars... it's just been hell but you learn how to cope with it after a while. I know how lonely these things can make you feel though and while I don't think anyone can fully understand another persons experience, I sympathize with you & hope things will turn out good for you soon!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry for all you're going through. I think everyone can relate in some way or another to that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. I think you should find something you are really passionate about and pursue it. Whether it be a particular job you want or another college, good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Im sorry for the way you feel,i hope things get better for you soon.:)
    praying for ya..:)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you guys for all of the kind words, I definitely feel a lot better! <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hope things get better for you. I'm sorry you feel like this! <3 Lots of love. I'll hope for the best.

    ReplyDelete