2.08.2015

I hate my job

Everyday is a bad day for me, especially when I have to work.  Don't get me wrong I'm thankful to have a job, especially one that pays well.  A few weeks ago, one morning for some reason everything was especially annoying.  I had trouble sleeping the night before, getting up was like torture.  This happens to me a lot.  I didn't wear makeup, I rarely do to work it feels pointless.  All I do is sit at a desk and have people yell at me, I refuse to waste my MAC for that.  Anyways I got up put on my clothes, got to the bus, it was freezing.  It felt 30 below, I live in Minnesota.  Of course on this cold day the bus is late. 

I hate the bus.
I hate everything about it.
Waiting for it, getting on it, spending my money on it, sitting down, when people stare at me, when people act crazy, when people decide to put their shit in empty seats knowing the bus is packed to the brim.  When people hit me with their bags as they get off.  How dirty it is, the smell, everything.

Since this bus was late, it made me miss my second bus forcing me to walk across this windy bridge, mind you it's fucking freezing outside.  Where I work we have to dress business causal even though we don't see customers face to face or interact with anyone except on the phone.  So my clothes were thin and not suit for blizzard like conditions.

It was so bad I almost started crying.

When I got to my work building I told myself to at least pretend to be an adult and suck it up.  I got onto the elevator alone.  Then tell me why the one hot guy in the entire building the one guy whose shown interest in me, even though I look like utter shit everyday, got on the elevator with me and stares.

Just stares.

Right at me.

I felt like I had frostbite, no makeup, eyes were watering, crusty dry lips.

And he just stared.

I wanted to die

Die and cry.

 Literally die and jump off the bridge I walked across.  I touched my cheeks with my gloved hands pretending to wipe something off but I was just hoping to block my face that's how awkward it was.

Pure silence, him staring, for three floors.

I just added it to my grand list of awkward experiences with guys, I was born to be weird, awkward, and forever alone.  I may share more of my guy related experiences but I want to spare my readers the second hand embarrassment.  I'm the worst girl to ever crush on.  LOL

At that moment I hated a lot of things, mainly me for allowing myself to end up like how I am.  Always angry, sad, and negative.  If I were normal I would've said hi at least or gave an awkward smile.  I couldn't even do that I could only reflect on how much I hated myself and how cold it was.  I don't care what he thinks I just hate that his impression of me is probably that I'm an ugly pathetic girl who always looks pissed off.  I've cried too many times at work to count, my manger keeps urging me to see a therapist but now I think she's given up on me.  I don't think I'm suited for a normal job which is why I'm working so hard to be a writer.

Writing is one of the few things that make me happy.  And makeup.

I've been applying to other jobs but even if I get a new one it's just a matter of time before I hate that one too.

I wrote this weeks ago when I was really at a low point, I'm better now.  A lot better. 

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