Dead gyaru blogs... (life update)

A few days ago I went on an "unfollow" spree of all of the blogs I've followed over the years, only unfollowing the inactive/spam blogs.  To my shock a lot of them were dead.  Most of the blogs I followed were built around gyaru fashion.  Now that gyaru isn't so mainstream anymore a lot of the blogs just stopped updating.  I'm sure there were other reasons: life happens, getting into a new style, or lack of interest.  It's all legitimate reasons I'm just shocked by the sheer volume of dead blogs.  MOST of the hundreds of blogs were dead, some hadn't even updated in years.   

Very depressing.

Then again nowadays I only buy gyaru magazines, I don't do gyaru makeup or put in any effort in how I dress.  But to be honest that's for other reasons, if my mind (and body) were straight I would still be doing everything I could to look like a gyaru.  To look cute and fashionable in general.  Nowadays I look like a slob, too put it bluntly.  Or maybe that's a little harsh, I look like a plain Jane whose blended in with the boring normal crowd.

Since I don't have many friends or a boyfriend the only things ever on my mind are work, losing weight, and writing.  I don't even have fun anymore because I'm just not as confident as I use to be, sadly.  But I am working on it, I'm trying to gain a little bit of the self-esteem I had back.  This job is literally sucking the soul out of me, I swear, the only saving grace is my supervisor.  She's the closest thing I have to a real friend and sometimes I think she feels bad for me because of how miserable I always look.  I feel stuck here because it's difficult finding another job that pays as good, but I swear I've been looking.  I'm leaving as soon as I get a good enough offer.  I figured out my job is causing me those eye problems, go figure, who would've thought staring at computer for eight hours a day can give harm your eyes (or make you gain weight).

I need to leave soon. 

I can't imagine being here for another year, another six months, hell another week.  My supervisor, her names Heather, is like an angel keeping me there.  Taking pity on me and being my friend even though I'm a quiet weirdo who probably always looks like she's five seconds from committing suicide or crying.  Here's what's keeping me sane and happy:

1.  Buying makeup
2. YouTube
3. Sleep
4. Looking forward to the day I publish

That's about it and it's a bit pathetic. LOL I'm TRYING to get some type of help or guidance but I'm always stopped, like an invisible force doesn't want me happy.  It just wants me to remain miserable.  No one understands, I rarely talk to my family because I don't want them to worry or know.  My sister is just confused by me.  And the funny and ironic thing that just happened at my job (like yesterday) is I won a PlayStation 4!
 One thing I won't put my job down about is their employee perks, I actually won this.  Yes, won.  Not sure how, to be honest, my name was some how drawn, out of hundreds of other names, from a big bucket and they said pick what you want.  Amongst the many prizes this was the only thing that caught my eye (there was a few flat screen TVs, laptops, Xbox One, tablets, etc) but I've been wanting another game system for YEARS.  Ever since my PlayStation 2 got burned up in the house fire some years ago, with all my old games including Final Fantasy x-2, Phantasy Star, Ninja Gaiden, and Half Life 2.  I was even planning on buying this either during black Friday or Christmas but now I don't have one too!  When I was told I won I was in the middle of a really bad call with a customer and didn't believe it at first.  I could barely speak afterwards and everyone was congratulating me.  To be honest I felt awkward more than anything, I didn't want all the attention so I just smiled and told myself not to over think things.  Now it's home with me but I'm afraid to open it because I think my job will randomly call and tell me it was all a mistake.  LOL  When the shock goes away I'll be on the hunt for a pink controller.
Don't you just hate when someone who is WAY thinner then you complains about their weight so obnoxiously just because they want you to feel bad.  Meet my sister.  She recently started doing this when I began my weight loss journey.  Before then she never talked about her weight, now it's the only thing she ever talks about even though she has a perfect shape, she's a dancer.  It's almost funny how inconsiderate she is, to be honest I could care less how much weight she loses but she doesn't have to rub it in my face that she think she's so "fat" even though she's plenty sizes smaller than me, she was literally trying to point out the fats on her body.  Why did I have to watch?!  We've gotten into a few arguments about it and now she's claiming I'm trying to stop her from exercising or getting healthy.  I could care less, I just hate that she's purposely trying to compare herself to me to try to make herself feel better.

I know I can't control other people, I need to learn to just walk away.  But it's so annoying, I've been dealing with weight issues since middle school and my sister knows this.  You'd think she'd be a little more considerate of my feelings.  Nope.  I'm just the crazy sister with no friends so who care what I think.

I'm still dieting, just not exercising.  That's always been my week point, even in high school I got a D in gym class because I would hide out in the bathroom.  LOL  I've been using these Nutrisystem kits to help me with eating (I don't have diabetics the food just looked good lol), I don't just eat these but they're a big help.  I've already lost seven pounds, but it's not a lot if you're my size, in my opinion.
I'm thinking of doing more makeup reviews since I buy so much, my dipbrow pomade review has a lot of views so I think people will actually read them.  It'll also help me get back into doing my make up.  I feel like this is one of the last times my make up actually looked good (and unique) I want to try doing a look like this again, I miss doing weird things with my make up.
I sometimes think I have similar features to Maiko Sano, probably wishful thinking, she's so beautiful and I adore not only her makeup but her style as well.  It's so carefree and chic but she always looks comfortable.  I believe she's still gyaru, onee gyaru, she's one of the few gals whose still tan.  I STALK her Instagram.  I know she's a teacher for a beauty school, (it's called BLEA I believe), if I knew Japanese my first goal (when I get to Japan) would be to take her classes.  Beauty school in Japan sounds like a dream.
I don't think I'll ever give up on blogging, it's like a journal for me.  Thanks for reading, hopefully my next post will be up a lot sooner and more positive.


  1. Oh gosh I totally get what you mean about gal blogs; most of the ones I follow are dead too, but I'm too reluctant to unfollow them as I'm holding onto hope that they'll come back... ;_;

    I wish you all the best in your self esteem! Baby steps are always good <3 And remember to look after yourself! :D

    1. Yes and I hope more gal blogs starts showing up again too, thanks for the awesome comment, love your blog btw <3

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