1.31.2016

I'm 23 and I've never had a boyfriend...

How is it possible for a girl who looks like me to never have a boyfriend?  It's possible, I'm proof.  I've never had a boyfriend and I'll be 24 in April.  I get anxiety when people starting asking about my love life or if I'm dating, etc.  It makes me feel physically ill because of how weird I think I am.  And I hate when people ask, "why don't you have a boyfriend?"  As if I know the answer.

Growing up I was a girl who always had a crush no matter what, I was boy crazy.  Especially in grade school.  Then puberty happened and I got awkward, middle school was the worst.  I was the fat, ugly, anime loving quiet girl who got picked on.  I didn't wear cute clothes or had many friends.  I enjoyed writing, reading manga, and watching anime that's it.  I still had crushes on boys of course but never had the courage to tell them because I was the "ugly girl."  There was one boy who even made sure I knew no one liked me.  He specifically picked on me, called me names, and would try to make me fall by kicking me in the legs.  He also stuck a pencil in the side of my boob during class so everyone would laugh at me (I'm serious it was awful), and made a huge scene when one of our teacher wanted to pair us together for a project.  Just thinking about it now all these years later pisses me off and I wish I had the courage to beat his ass back then.  This was 7th grade.  Dealing with that definitely didn't help my confidence with boys.  

Then high school came and I got somewhat prettier but my confidence was still shit and now at this point I had full blown depression, I had guys who acted like they liked me but never acted on it.  Like they'd stare at me and be extremely nice but never said anything or tried to ask me out.  Maybe it was my fault for being so stand-offish and quiet, but my teenage years were an odd time of my life.  Only once did a guy actually go out of his way to get my number.  We started talking on the phone and he met my Dad.  But he had to move away, literally to another state, and sadly it wasn't that serious.  We weren't a couple, just talking, but we were close to getting to that stage.  I just remember him being on the football team and having really pretty lips LOL.  

Weirdly a lot of drama happened when this guy started showing interest in me, he was actually a new student so there were some girls who liked him.  Yet he liked me, even though back then I looked like crap.  The girls tried to bully me and was spreading rumors that they'd "beat me up", it was over-dramatic.  I ignored it mostly.  After that nothing.  It doesn't help that after 9th grade I moved in with my dad due to the problems I was having with my depression and my mom wasn't helping.  My dad lives in the smallest town ever, literally my high school had maybe 400 students at the most, my graduating senior class was all of 40 people.  I didn't have a lot of choices when it came to guys not to mention everyone dated everyone, it was just a turn off.  My dad was also super overprotective, he even forced my guy friend to meet him before we could start talking on the phone.  So I went off to college and there I expected to eventually get into a relationship, nope, nothing.  There was one really good looking guy who was on the baseball team and stared at me A LOT but he never came up and talked to me.  He'd smile at me, that was it.  Of course I was too much of a chicken to say anything to him.  Looking back I wish I did.  All of my friends had started to get boyfriends and it made me feel like the odd girl out.  My best friend met a guy the first week of college and immediately started a relationship with him. 

Like normal people in their early twenties having sexual relationships/encounters is kind of normal.  For my friends it was, but yet I couldn't relate.  I don't think being a virgin makes me a special snowflake, sex is overrated in my opinion.  I'm not waiting until marriage either, I'm just waiting for the right person.  So for the one year I was in college I met no one, then I moved to Minnesota and now three years later I'm still alone and very awkward.  

I hate it when I tell people I've never had a boyfriend they'll say, "you don't need one they're drama blah blah blah."  I don't care if they're drama it's my choice if I want to experience that.  Life is about experiences you can't go through life avoiding everything.  With my anxiety I avoid too much stuff as it is.  Is it weird that I want to hear someone say that they want to be with me?  The sad thing is I can't picture myself with anyone and it doesn't help that I like a certain type of guy.  I'm too embarrassed to describe the type LOL.  I rejoined Okcupid (then deactivated right after), I feel like online dating just isn't my thing.  The messages I get are just...annoying, creepy, and gross.  Here's a few just to show you guys what I mean, and Okcupid is a public site which is why I'm not blurring out faces or names.  I don't give a fuck.


Look at all of the desirable attractive men...not.  It's obvious these guy aren't looking for a relationship, whatever they want I don't have. LOL  And this isn't all of them, sadly.  Not saying online dating doesn't work, just not for me.  I don't feel like going through a bunch of creepers just to meet someone who might be a psycho in real life.  I should just accept the fact that I'm destined to be forever alone.  Or at least single until I'm 40, LOL. 

8 comments:

  1. I resonate with this on so many levels sigh lool

    I'll be 22 this year and I've never had a boyfriend; I've never even had any male platonic friends. Explaining it to people makes me feel so awkward and weird like, I don't know why I've never had a bf, it's just never happened lol.

    I've finally gotten to the point where I don't feel like a weirdo though. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then welp. I like my own company anyways lol

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    1. I think I'm at that point too, just not caring anymore. I also like my company LOL, thanks for commenting. :)

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  2. I actually admire you because you stand out from the crowd,in a good way.Too many young girls these days go out and date guys who are no good.Often girls get with someone who is abusive,or lazy and has no sense of responsibility.They often produce children and many times aren't fit to be mothers and don't even have money to raise children without assistance.The way you describe yourself makes me think you are smart and that you deserve someone of good quality in your life.I think you are very attractive♥.The best to you!-DW

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  3. I'm sorry but those okcupid messages are hilarious. I almost spit out my juice! Some guys are just pervs. I used to be on okc and got weird messages too. One guy's whole profile was explaining that he's not a serial killer like wtf?

    I think there's someone out there for everyone. You are super pretty, sweet, talented and just awesome so I know you'll find him. I didn't have a real boyfriend until last year (I'm 23) so I feel it. Some of us are late bloomers lol Have you tried joining meetup.com and meeting people that way? You would have more in common with them and people are pretty nice. I met some great people through volunteering. Good luck :) <3

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    1. yeah I'm pretty done with okcupid LOL, thanks for the link I'll definitely check out meetup.com looks interesting :)

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  4. Definitely check out meetup.com. they may have groups for social anxiety and depression in your area. I met a close friend through a social anxiety meetup (no bf yet tho lol). Im praying that you find a good guy when the time is right.

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