don't lose yourself

I officially start work tomorrow and I've also had two other job offers.  My rent is due but thankfully there's some cool people who run my apartment complex.  They're being very flexible.  I'm thankful.  I was beginning to have sleepless nights thinking I was going to be evicted.  My parents kept telling me they were mad I quit my job with no backup but I told them I don't regret it.  

And I don't.  

I was in a place that triggered my depression so badly I was losing myself in the worst way.  Weight gain, bad acne, sleeping for hours, not doing things I once loved, having suicidal thoughts.  What scares me is I know my depression could come back at anytime and I don't know how to stop it.  I know I need to take the necessary steps to get medical attention for it, but for me it's going to take some time.  My goal is to get myself looked at before the end of this year.  Possibly next month.  Nonetheless I lost myself and I'm glad it happened at the age I'm at now because going further I'll never allow it to get this bad again. 

And it could easily start again. 

I'll be working in customer service which gives me anxiety off the bat but since this area of work is where I have experience it's the only type of job where I'll make a livable wage.

I don't want to do this forever.

For ten years or even two.

I want to be a writer, that's it.

So what I'll have to do is start taking REAL steps to make that goal a reality.  There's a woman I follow on Instagram, she's a black 26-year-old author of at least 20 fiction books, she's self published, and LIVING THE LIFE.  

That's my dream (GOAL). 
And I will make it a reality.  

I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck, daydreaming about what could've been or what I should've done when I was younger.  For a longtime I was against the idea of becoming a writer because it seemed impossible, but now I know this is doable and the best for me.  I know it's going to take hard work but I'm ready to do it and stop lollygagging. LOL

For now I'm just happy to have so many job opportunities (I've been on lots of interviews :/).  I won't complain I know for others job hunting is incredibly difficult and some people don't even get interviews for months.  

So I'm happy and thankful!

Feels like some weight has come off me but I know it'll be a matter of time before it starts to build up again and hopefully I'll be able to deal with it better next time.

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