2.01.2017

giving up


If I move back in with my parents at 24 would that be giving up?  

Because I'm beginning to think I'm headed toward that decision.  I love my independence, living alone, doing my own thing, and being in a big city (my parents live in rural Illinois).  But I can't function like a normal adult.  I hate my current temp job, I thought it would be ending by now but their extending it to the end of the march and it's becoming like my old job.  I don't talk to any of the people there, the job is confusing so I sound like an idiot when I speak to customers, and the people there are so unhelpful.  Yes it's a god awful call center, I've been applying to none call center/customer service jobs but haven't been called yet for an interview.  There was one but I bombed it so bad, not that I'm mad.  It was a job I would've been sick of pretty quick.  I don't want to give up, I want to stay where I am and be an adult.  But I believe either I'll be fired or I'll quit this job soon and I'm not sure what I'll do next.

Sometimes I'm happy. 

My life is slowly getting better.  I'm still losing weight (down 31 pounds and 12 more to go before I'm at my ultimate goal weight HOLY CRAP) and I'm making real progress with my book.  Other times I feel like ending it all.  I got insurance finally, I'm just waiting for my card then I'm scheduling an appointment (I have to check on EVERYTHING ugh) with a mental health clinic.  I want to be officially diagnosed so my future employers know I'm actually sick and not missing work to hang with nonexistent friends, a boyfriend, or to do anything really LOL.  It's like I'm beginning to have anxiety attacks more and more.  They literally paralyze me.  It happens at work too and makes the work day unbearable (and my performance horrendous).  I get eye and ear pain as well as headaches.  Doesn't help that there's people in my ear talking about shit I don't care about, nowadays my empathy is nonexistent.  

Feels like I'm complaining.  

But I've told nobody any of this.  Not my employer or any of my family.  Nobody has a clue to be honest.  I'm the disappointment of the family, I think LOL.  I can only imagine telling my job about my issues and them looking at me like it's a big excuse because nowadays it seems almost trendy to have a mental illness.  (online anyways.)

I'm also a pro at pretending to be okay.

I know everything will be fine. 

I keep telling myself that and if I believe it it'll become true.  

So I'll keep chanting that to myself.

2 comments:

  1. I don't see anything wrong with moving in with your parents! 24 is still young and where I live (San Francisco) it's the norm since the economy is crappy and it's hard to find a job that pays well even with a degree. I understand why you want to remain independent though. It's a lot more fun to be able to do what you want when you want to. Sending positive vibes your way!! Congrats on the weight loss :) <3

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    1. I'm hoping I don't have to move but it's good to hear that it's normal :) thanks for the positive vibes and commenting! <3

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