3.04.2017

fuck my life x 100

I revamped my blog, finally!  Or tried too.  I didn't realize trying to make a blog look pretty could be so frustrating but the outcome is exactly what I wanted sort of.  I may change a few more things but for now I love it.

Also new name, just wanted a change honestly. 

So now on to the depressing shit. 😄

The past two months have been...horrible to say the least.  I no longer have a job and I'm broke as hell, literally so broke I barely have food.  This all started when I begun to have suicidal thoughts at work, I literally couldn't function.  So I finally did the sensible thing and got help.  Real help.  I spoke with a doctor, then to a psychiatrist and thankfully she was a BLACK WOMAN!  I got prescribed some antidepressants and I thought things were going to get better.

Nope.

My body couldn't handle the side effects and I was bed bound for a bunch of days, past the acceptable amount of days to miss work and I was fired.  Since I was only a temp worker I didn't have medical leave or anything like that so I wasn't even paid for the days I couldn't come into work.  I tried contacting my "staffing agency" and they never responded to me!  Literally I tried emailing and calling twice a day so they didn't think I was lying and these asshole never responded.  I'm hoping I'll be able to get unemployment (I'm going through that process now) but I'm not sure if I'll get it.  Staffing agencies are known to fight any type of unemployment requests so I'm probably fucked. 

This is the worst situation to be in for people like me, either stay at a job that triggers your mental health or quit and be homeless

So now I'm dealing with that.  I can't even write or work on my Japanese because I'm too scared and stressed that I'll have to move back in with my Dad.  The last thing they need is too have to take care of my grown ass.  I go to the doctor on Monday, I'm not saying their going to save me or anything but I'm hoping they'll give me some advice at least. 

On a positive note I've lost more weight, the last time I checked I weighed 115.6 pounds😰!!!  For me that's the lowest I've ever been in my life.  Even as a teenager I was always 125 or more, then when I got to college I stayed around 130-140 pounds.  Then last year I hit 153 pounds but I don't think that's the highest I've ever been.  I'm sure I hit close to 160 in 2015 but I was so depressed I never checked my weight.  Now I'm 115 and I actually can see the difference.  I have a fucking thigh gap!!!!  I know thigh gaps are stupid/overrated and I'd be fine if I didn't have one but never in my life did I expect to get this thin.  I know nowadays everybody wants big butt, big breasts, small waist or be super toned.  I don't mind being plain old thin.  All of my clothes fit horribly loose (even my underwear 😆) but I'm broke so I can't buy new clothes.  If I could I'd definitely show pics of my current body.  I'll post them soon enough, I have a bunch of ugly ass BEFORE pics too which I'm scared to post but I will anyways.

This is how my body is beginning to look, exactly (minus the perfect skin).  I don't know the term for this body shape but mine is just like this.  My sister said that my lips seem bigger now that I've lost so much weight which I guess is a good thing (or maybe it's just that I have a huge ass watermelon head 🍉).  She really noticed the difference and kept calling me skinny. 😼 I'm not done losing weight only because I'm not as toned as I want to be in some areas.  If shit goes right I want to start weight lifting, maybe, although I'm content with having a thin figure.  I've always wanted to be model thin, it's weird that I'm almost there.

Also before shit got super bad I made a vision board!

 I'm sure you guys recognize some of the pictures, I made a collage online then bought this cute frame.  Looking at it is super motivating, but now, not so much since I'm going through hell.  I feel like I will accomplish everything but it's going to be super hard.  One of my newer goals is to bleach my hair and dye it my dream color, can you guys guess that color?  Before I was broke I bought a bunch of natural hair products and have been babying my hair, I plan to dye it this summer.  If it doesn't turn out right I'll probably cut it all off.😅

I suck at this adult thing, I swear if you're a kid or teenager reading this savor that time!!!  Don't rush growing up, I tell my little brothers this all time.

 This random guy tried to hit on me like a week ago and I gave him the benefit of the doubt and talked to him since he was polite.  Talking to him made me realize how lonely I am and how much I miss having people who weren't family to talk too.  It hit me hard.  He also told me how he up and left Detroit alone for a job here in Minnesota.  I wish I could relocate and start a new journey somewhere else.  I want to travel so much it hurts, I'm envious of people who do.  Sometimes I wonder why I'm even alive or what's the point of living if I can't be happy or do the things I want to do.  I'm literally wallowing in nothingness.  Doing nothing, being a drone, living a life I hate. 

What's the point?

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